Have I totally LOST it?

For all of you who don't watch LOST, I apologize. Not only for posting something you're not familiar with, but I'm also sorry that you're not aware of what you're missing. OK, so it's not that great of a show, but anyone who's followed it at all knows how addicting it can be.
The Season Premiere aired last night.
With the start of a new season, I've been a-thinkin' and a-schemin'.
(Watch out. Don't say I didn't warn you)
I have decided on a perfect solution for winding up the series.
It's risky, and it involves time-travel. But it's LOST -that's not too much of a stretch. This won't even involve a smoke-monster guard-dog.

Here's the gist of it:
ABC teams up with all of its best competitors to bring you a real "all-out smash-bang-top-notch-thriller-of-a-conclusion" to one of TV's "most anticipated dramas".

Ben Linus travels the US recruiting an all-star line-up to help bring things on the island to order.
He grabs Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil, Michael Scofield of Prison Break, and Jack Bauer of 24.
He leads them (with burlap sacks over their heads) to a little black door that opens into a time-warp dimension. They travel back in time to the island before all the crazy plot-twists messed up everybody's lives.
Michael Scofield is thrown into captivity and eventually breaks out, liberating all the captives with him, and teaches everyone how to make little origami birds and flowers.
Jack Bauer tracks down "the others", brings them in for interrogation, and finds out all the secrets. I mean ALL of them. He also grabs Sayid while he's at it -just in case.
Once all is set right, Martha Stewart goes to work making the island feel a little more like home (who better than the domestic Diva with a shady past?), and Dr. Phil begins some one-on-one sessions with all the traumatized survivors ("Now, Michael -stop tryin' to deny it. Just own it. Say it with me: I am a DIRTBAG!").
I think this pretty much covers all the bases.
Except the smoke monster. The smoke monster is an elaborate pyrotechnic show originally created for use on the set of the Wizard of Oz. After half a dozen munchkin injuries/deaths, and several lawsuits later, that idea was brought to a helium-inhaled-high-pitched-munchkin-voice-screech of a halt. Never having used it in the film, they tried to turn it into a stage-show in Vegas, but again, too many people got hurt/ killed. So Ben Linus bought it and brought it to the island, hoping to create a theme park for the amusement of island dwellers. (The rabid polar bear/shark act was all played out)
Shows are on Wednesday nights. Reserve your tickets now. Showdates are April 8th, 15th, 16th or 23rd show.
$42.00 gets you front-row seats. $108.00 gets you backstage passes.