Monday, July 13, 2009

Not to Worry

I'm going to share a few thoughts, but with the subject as a disclaimer. For all those aunties, mothers, sisters, and friends that read this post and end up thinking, "Oh, DEAR!", please don't fret. It's an outlet of feeling and I don't want a shred of sympathy or a word of pity. Just let me write this out, and I'll move on.

For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending most all of my free time with a girl. She's really sweet and pretty cute. She's in my ward, and we've really had a lot of fun together. I found out from a friend that she was interested in me, so I looked into it, and decided to go with it.

We didn't get very far. I don't move super-fast with things anyway, but I was sort of at the point that I was trying to decide whether I really wanted to make something more of this acquaintence. I had decided to keep going with it and give it more time, when out of the blue she sent me a text:

"I don't know how to say this, but I think we should just be friends. I think you're a great guy and I'd totally want to still ahng out and stuff, if you're cool with that, if not that's ok. I feel like a jerk, but I just have to be honest."

To which I responded,
"That's cool."

And it really was. I'd rather a girl be honest with me about things, especially before things get way involved.

We continued to text about it, (which I think isn't the wisest way to handle these type of situations, though does make it easier to say) and she told me she felt bad, but I assured her that she didn't need to feel guilty. I appreciated her honesty, blah blah blah.

To be truthful, I was sort of surprised by it, but not really all that affected. At first.

Here's the deal: I was a little unsure about how things would go with her anyhow, so it wasn't like a break-up. Except for the fact that it left me wondering why. Why did she decide that? Was it something I did / said / didn't do / did wrong ?

For the rest of the day, my self-confidence experienced some new sensations. If I were a hard-boiled egg, my shell would be my self-confidence. Her tap started a crack. The crack slowly spread, and pieces have been peeling off ever since.

I'm a single dude. You know this, but I couldn't very well relate the next few points without mentioning that fact. I'm being courteous (a good quality, no? Still not enough for some).

I'm used to the bachelor life, void of all dating drama and complications. I've done it my whole life. For me to pursue a relationship at this point, I feel like I'm really venturing out far beyond my comfort zone. I don't mind so much, especially with the prospect of a rich pay-off. But when I've ventured out and come back empty-handed, battered, low, and frustrated every time, what am I to do? Experience has taught me that this venturing out is never worth it.

For the next few days, I was really out of sorts, for lack of a better way to describe it. I've never felt quite that way. It was sort of a dulled reality. I felt like I was floating through the sequences of life, not a real actor, just catching bits of action here and there, rising through the fog for a few laughs or comments, then being caught back down by the memory of it all.

My friends (who have investigated her side of the issue) assure me that her decision has nothing to do with me. It's one thing for me to hear them say that, and quite another for me to try and convince myself that it's true.

This weekend, I felt like this:

To Hell with dating, girls, decisions, stress, and all of it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If anyone asks, I'm not even considering options, so you can just save them for another dupe who's dumb enough to even try.

Now I've settled a bit. But not entirely.

So I've laid out the entirety of my dejected inner-most feelings, not for anyone to console me. Know that I'm quite content, even happy. Just a bit shaken, not stirred, and in recovery-mode. By the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be right as rain. Until then, I want otter pops.


Stormy said...

Well then, I won't give you pity or sympathy..and I won't feel bad for you..BUT, I will feel bad for her. She missed out big time. Love ya Stevee!

strongmom said...

We have Soda flavored otter pops, Dr. Pepper and Coke brand (no caffeine), I found them at Alco - if you want to really binge. I think in your honor I will make some black bean salsa and hope you come for a visit very soon.

Cat said...

You couldn't pay me to enter the dating world again! I guess that means I'd better hold onto your Uncle Derron for awhile longer! Maybe I'm showing my age or my "old fashioned'est", but do people speak face to face anymore? Texting such communications like break ups, apologies & other such things is so strange to me. You totally miss out on eye contact, body language & tone of voice or voice at all for that matter. All of which are so important to true communication. I'm sooo not a modern woman I guess. It seems I took a page from your book & just had myself a little "rant". I don't mean to offend anyone who avails themselves of the modern conveniences of social networking, I only mean to defend the true human interaction of communicating face to face. Steven, I know your not looking for pity & I'm not going to give you any, but I will give you some honesty. You are a great guy, I've always thought so. You have unique talents that to me, make you stand out from the rest. There I'm done. I am the "comment queen" aren't I? I have to live up to my title. To close I'll quote a favorite song of mine that I think is just what the doctor ordered, "Going back to the well, gonna visit old friends & feed my soul where the black top ends." I'll give you something to look forward to. When you come home, we have to watch "Nacho Libre" with Darcy, she's never seen it! Now that's something to look forward to!

Steven said...

Aunt Julie: Soda flavored? I thought life couldn't get any better than the current flavors!

Cat: You're sweet. Thanks for making me feel better. I've pretty much bounced back, now that classes pulled my mind off all it was mulling over.

Oh, and I agree with your old-fashioned views. People need to communicate important things in person -or at least over the phone, if nothing else. Where has personal accountability gone?

You've gotta face up to the situation to really work it -not leave it to your phone service provider.

Another irk with technology: people walking around with their iPod going. There are exceptions, like joggers, or people walking long distances. But when I see people walk to and from class completely isolated from all their fellow beings, it bothers me. Human interaction needs to be preserved!

Nacho Libre? YEAHHHHHHHH! I can't wait. Darcy can be my date. Ha ha

strongmom said...

Jeff is in UT - I just went out to lunch with Darcy and Julie and am going to a BBQ with Cat, there's no way I would ever venture into real dating - but I hear you ARE coming for a visit YAY!!!!! I think I will have eaten all this batch of black bean salsa, but will you be able to come to church with us on the 26th? Jonathan is giving his farewell talk, and you could sing with us!!! I will call you. And save you a Dr. Pepper pop.