I'm going to share a few thoughts, but with the subject as a disclaimer. For all those aunties, mothers, sisters, and friends that read this post and end up thinking, "Oh, DEAR!", please don't fret. It's an outlet of feeling and I don't want a shred of sympathy or a word of pity. Just let me write this out, and I'll move on.
For the past couple of weeks, I've been spending most all of my free time with a girl. She's really sweet and pretty cute. She's in my ward, and we've really had a lot of fun together. I found out from a friend that she was interested in me, so I looked into it, and decided to go with it.
We didn't get very far. I don't move super-fast with things anyway, but I was sort of at the point that I was trying to decide whether I really wanted to make something more of this acquaintence. I had decided to keep going with it and give it more time, when out of the blue she sent me a text:
"I don't know how to say this, but I think we should just be friends. I think you're a great guy and I'd totally want to still ahng out and stuff, if you're cool with that, if not that's ok. I feel like a jerk, but I just have to be honest."
To which I responded,
And it really was. I'd rather a girl be honest with me about things, especially before things get way involved.
We continued to text about it, (which I think isn't the wisest way to handle these type of situations, though does make it easier to say) and she told me she felt bad, but I assured her that she didn't need to feel guilty. I appreciated her honesty, blah blah blah.
To be truthful, I was sort of surprised by it, but not really all that affected. At first.
Here's the deal: I was a little unsure about how things would go with her anyhow, so it wasn't like a break-up. Except for the fact that it left me wondering why. Why did she decide that? Was it something I did / said / didn't do / did wrong ?
For the rest of the day, my self-confidence experienced some new sensations. If I were a hard-boiled egg, my shell would be my self-confidence. Her tap started a crack. The crack slowly spread, and pieces have been peeling off ever since.
I'm a single dude. You know this, but I couldn't very well relate the next few points without mentioning that fact. I'm being courteous (a good quality, no? Still not enough for some).
I'm used to the bachelor life, void of all dating drama and complications. I've done it my whole life. For me to pursue a relationship at this point, I feel like I'm really venturing out far beyond my comfort zone. I don't mind so much, especially with the prospect of a rich pay-off. But when I've ventured out and come back empty-handed, battered, low, and frustrated every time, what am I to do? Experience has taught me that this venturing out is never worth it.
For the next few days, I was really out of sorts, for lack of a better way to describe it. I've never felt quite that way. It was sort of a dulled reality. I felt like I was floating through the sequences of life, not a real actor, just catching bits of action here and there, rising through the fog for a few laughs or comments, then being caught back down by the memory of it all.
My friends (who have investigated her side of the issue) assure me that her decision has nothing to do with me. It's one thing for me to hear them say that, and quite another for me to try and convince myself that it's true.
This weekend, I felt like this:
To Hell with dating, girls, decisions, stress, and all of it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. If anyone asks, I'm not even considering options, so you can just save them for another dupe who's dumb enough to even try.
Now I've settled a bit. But not entirely.
So I've laid out the entirety of my dejected inner-most feelings, not for anyone to console me. Know that I'm quite content, even happy. Just a bit shaken, not stirred, and in recovery-mode. By the end of the week, I'm sure I'll be right as rain. Until then, I want otter pops.